I
am often surprised when someone tells me that they are or aren't doing
something because they are concerned about another's person's reaction. They
don't want to cause anger, sadness or fear in the other person so they change
their own behaviours thinking that this will alleviate trouble.
Well,
there are a number of things to consider about this:
1. We, each experience a very wide range of emotions.
2.
What we do with our feelings is a choice that each of us makes.
3.
When a person states that he/she cannot control their emotions, think about a
time that they were in the middle of a "hissy fit" but suddenly
stopped because they noticed another person was watching.
4.
We are only responsible for our own feelings and the way that we deal with
them.
5.
If you think that you can control another person's feelings you are wrong.
6.
When another person blames you for how they are feeling, weigh the information
before you agree or feel guilty.
7.
Some people hold others hostage by blaming, threatening aggression or suicide,
throwing temper tantrums or retreating from the relationship.
8.
Abuse should never be allowed in a relationship.
9.
People tend to live their lives with patterns of behaviour so past behaviour is
usually a predictor of future behaviour.
10.
Talking and negotiating does not always work. Sometimes a person agrees with
you just to end the conversation but has no intention of doing what was planned
or supposedly agreed upon.
11.
Promises to change do not guarantee change. It is easy to say "I will
never do this again" but not necessarily easy to follow through.
12.
If a person makes a positive change and can maintain it for eighteen months, it
will likely last for a lifetime. (Yes, I said eighteen months - not days!)
13.
Repeatedly forgiving a person who promises to change but doesn't do anything to
facilitate the change means that you are kidding yourself.
14.
If you are having relationship problems, perhaps you are the one who needs to
get help.
There
are four basic styles of behaviour that individuals adopt:
1.
Passive people don't know what they want or how to ask for it in a healthy
manner. They allow others to be in charge but then often feel resentful or
victimized.
2.
Aggressive people bully others in order to get what they want. They often
present as though they are confident but usually have a low self-image.
3.
Passive/Aggressive people make life difficult for others in "sneaky"
indirect ways such as gossiping.
4.
Assertive skills include having good boundaries, knowing what you need and
ensuring that those needs are met in a healthy manner.
What
style do you use most often? Are you creating monsters in your life or are you
a monster to others?
Time
to make some positive changes
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